Category Archives: Random

Sitting in the Rain

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Last night it stormed, and I rather like storms. Don’t get me wrong I prefer the warm sunshine but every now and then I need a good storm. So from about 11:45pm to 12:45am I sat in the middle of it. I grabbed a blanket and sweatpants and just sat there. My cousin asked me, “Why?”.

That’s hard to explain, but I decided I would go for it anyway. I tend to over think things, not just big things but everything. It clogs my head and puts a compressed feeling around my chest. The compressed feeling isn’t pain, it’s more like the feeling you get when you want to cry but know that at this point in time, you can’t. (not that I want to cry all the time) Now, music and reading take my mind off of things, but they don’t make them disappear. It is basically just to keep my mind off of whatever was terrorizing it at the moment. (yes, my mind does sometimes terrorize me) There is something in the rhythm of the rain that counts as music. The way that it constantly taps along the area up until it slowly fades out. Since that is not “technically” music it soothes my mind but doesn’t have the full drowning out effect that an actual song would. The lightning in a storm counts as a bright spot in a rather dull moment, making storm watching worthwhile. Something about all of that combined makes sitting in a storm just to think completely worth it. I also seem to sleep better when it is storming, but I can’t even begin to explain why on that. White noise maybe?

That’s about the best way I can explain why I like to sit in a storm just to think. When it is just raining, it doesn’t have the same effect. When it is just raining, I want to plug myself into my iPod and dance.

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My Own Writing

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I am going to actually post a small part of my own writing up this time. This has been posted as comments on another blog so those of you who follow that one, have already these. I am going to splurge and let people I know read this now. Let me know what you think, and you know, if you’ve already read these you are welcome to comment again. This is the middle of a story, and no, you cannot have more…..yet. Maybe this is too much to post on one blog buuttt I feel it’s all necessary. BTW this is FICTION.

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As I squirmed around my bed, I clutched my sides and screamed into my pillow. I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest just to see how long it took until I passed out. Maybe I could cry out all the anger and pain I felt inside. How could no one realize how emotionally unstable I felt? Gripping my sides didn’t help me breathe any better, but it felt like I could hold myself together and not shatter into a million pieces. Like a broken figurine, glue between the cracks, and a rubber band around it for support while you wait for it to fuse back together. By the time I was all cried out, my hand was bruising and sore. I couldn’t make a fist anymore. My pillow felt as if it had been left out in a rainstorm. I tossed my soggy pillow aside and tried to sleep. I didn’t want to go through with tomorrow because I already knew what was coming. I knew they would play it off like none of it happened. It was in the past now, why look back?

Crying that hard must have exhausted me because I fell asleep somewhere around 4 a.m. Despite being drained of all energy I woke up around seven, very groggy and not wanting to move. I decided that I wanted to message my friend Cory and explain what happened. I usually messaged him because he could calm me down and help me see if I was being irrational in a situation. This time I wasn’t. I explained what happened between me and my parents the night before and he said he was sorry and that he wished he could be of more help. I felt bad always leaning on him, pouring my heart and soul into a tiny message for him to dissect. I felt like I was giving him a window into my life, exposing it for what it really was. Showing him that the smile I paint on for the public wasn’t how I really felt.

Writing out all my dilemmas was a hell of a lot easier than voicing them. Whenever I opened my mouth to spill out my opinions, I felt a lump in my throat choking off my air supply. As if the world didn’t care to hear what I had to say. I sat there messaging Cory for a few hours. I was sitting in the family room pretending to pay attention to my parents conversation. Every now and then I would chime in. They did in fact play it off like nothing happened last night. They were the happy couple that everyone saw when they were in public. To me, it seemed like every other word that slid out of their mouths was poison. Either a little white lie or something bossy and hypocritical. It wasn’t just them. It was everyone. The people I worked for, the people I thought I could trust.

I hated listening to the lies everyone told me. I hated knowing they were lies, but not being able to announce that I knew. It weighed me down trying to act calm in front of everyone, playing it off like I was fine. I wanted to rip my hair out I was so frustrated. My conscience was screaming while my shell stood there and smiled. I excused myself from the table where my parents were arguing, to go take a bath. I ran to my room to grab some clothes and that little black box I liked to keep hidden in the depths of my dresser. I started my bath and carefully set the box on the edge of the tub. “Here we go,” I whispered to myself, and climbed into the warm water. I grabbed the tiny box, and pulled out that small piece of metal that had made me feel so much better before. I stared at it in all of its glory, knowing full well what all of this meant. They would think I was crazy.

I knew I was wrong, but I couldn’t stop. Everyday the same old problems, everyday they never get resolved. I wasn’t doing this to kill myself, I was doing it as a release. Some proof that I wasn’t dead, proof I still had feelings. I felt like this little razor blade might be able to cut through the web of lies and anger that contorted every thought that crossed my twisted mind. Placing it to my mouth wasn’t working anymore. I was having trouble eating and people would notice I had stopped altogether. As I pressed the icy blade to my inner thigh, I clenched my teeth together and began to drag it across my skin.

It stung at first, and my eyes filled with hot tears. When the three parallel lines had been carved, I leaned back in the tub and almost felt relaxed. Both my pain and thoughts subsided into a black hole that filled my mind. I no longer felt the need to finish the bath, I just wanted to stay here forever, not caring, not feeling, not needing anyone or anything.

My dad knocked on the door and announced he needed to go and complained about me taking the longest baths ever. I didn’t want to get out of the tub yet. I wanted to savor this feeling, but I knew he would just continue to complain, so I forced myself to get up and dry off. I pulled on my sweatshirt and wrapped my hair in a towel. I started to pull up my jeans, but they stung at my wounds. I grabbed an ace bandage, wrapped up my thigh, and pulled up my jeans for the second time, and walked out the door.

I made it down the stairs and to my bedroom, but I was feeling a little shaky. There was a little red splotch about the size of a quarter on my thigh. I poked at it wondering if it was from the first time I tried getting dressed or if it was bleeding through the ace bandage. The dot grew a little bigger and I knew. As I switched into sweatpants I peeked at my leg. All three of the freshly carved lines were trickling out the last remnants of my pain. I waited for them to stitch themselves together so I could continue the act of being perfectly fine. I felt like and old rag doll, sewn together where I had grown weak yet permanently smiling despite how worn down I felt.

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That’s it (for now). What do you think? Actually after re-reading this, I don’t like how the first paragraph runs into the second one. It needs to flow better. #IMO

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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Today is my dad, Bob (Boob) Hardin’s 50th birthday! 😀 I was going to  (for the day) make my blog all covered in me and my sisters hand prints. (My two brothers hand prints would not fit on the page) The thing is, my computer is on the fritz. >:/ Happy birthday dad! ♥ Hope you have a good day!!! Also on my dad’s birthday is Janeen’s birthday! Woo! Happy birthday guys! It is also my cousin Sara and my cousin Devon’s birthday. Lets not forget Ellie’s aunt Jenny! Whew that’s a lot of birthdays!

My dad and I

Janeen, Bridget, Russell, and I

February

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Holding up what I said, the background has changed for the month! I wanted to incorporate some red’s and some hearts for Valentine’s Day, but then I also added in some wax lips and trolls off to the right. Why? For the book The Pull of Gravity by Gae Polisner. I was going to wait until May when the book releases but eh, changed my indecisive mind yet again. I think they actually go pretty well with the background. I like them, so they are staying. Gae is my friend on Facebook and I love that I have “met” her. (Sadly haven’t met her in person but I think it would be awesome) I read the ARC for The Pull of Gravity, and I loved it! I will post my review of it later on, but for now you can enjoy a fabulous review of it (and its fancy final cover) on the blog YA Love. Back to the background. I think that one day this month the whole blog is going to change, but just for the day, then it will be back to this fabulous-ness. Watch for it, see if you find the day, you’ve got approximately a weeks wait, but still. You will see why. ♥

All Smiles

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Today was a really really good day. Call me lame for my reasoning if you must, but the following events made my day!

First off, my newest BFFB (Best Friend on Facebook) Gae Polisner, author of The Pull Of Gravity, is full of awesomesauce herself and continues to make me smile and encourage my writing. We have fun conversations on Facebook and some very silly threads. 🙂 Next up is Kelly, she always makes me feel better about myself and told me she likes the “new me,” then continued on to sing “Just the Way You Are” to me. I love talking to her everyday. Then there is my former teacher Mrs. Andersen, who’s blog is Y.A. Love. (You should check it out, it’s awesome.) These past few month’s would not have been the same without her and I super appreciate her help with everything. I also super appreciate that she has gotten me so into reading! Getting me this into reading has helped come to the next awesome part of my day. The new feature on her blog is “Students Want to Know” where her students, both current and former (like me) get to ask debut authors questions and they respond! I was super  excited for this and the first Q&A was posted today. We got to interview Julia Karr, author of XVI. I was super excited to read the responses to all of our questions! I can hardly wait for the next one. 🙂

Resolutions

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I know I haven’t posted a new blog in ages, but with the holidays I was super busy.

At any rate, I looked back at last year and decided I am going to change a few things. Whether they end up for the better or the worse we will find out. I’m shooting for better.

Be a better “Me”: I plan to work at bettering myself as a person. I want to look at the good in situations and not linger so much on what the bad of it all is. [Some of you understand what I mean more than others.]

Read more: Last year I read 38 books, considering I didn’t REALLY start reading avidly until July, I think that is a pretty good start. I want to see if I can up it to about 60 this year. Since there are over 20 on my DAC list, I believe I can make it.

Blog more: I made my blog in July, and in turn wrote 47 posts. I want to try and put one or two posts a week, and have a lot more book reviews. Right now my blog is a mix of book related things, my life, and one tiny piece of a story I am [barely] working on. I also think I want to change my HTML icon, but I am not sure what I want the picture to be. I would also like to follow more blogs because I currently only avidly follow four. [That Wee Bit Heap, YA Love, The Story Siren, and The Spirit Within.]

School: Yes I go to school, I go to Saginaw Valley State University. Last semester didn’t go nearly as well as it should have. I am going to dominate these next semesters and try to make more friends. Last time I think I made a total of 3 in the entire school. I don’t live on campus though.

Dance: This is my 16th year in dance. This year I am taking three classes, [pointe, ballet, and tap] and assisting in teaching a few other classes. I also am taking Zumba classes which I find to be a lot of fun. I want to be better prepared for this years recital and buy the dvd. In previous years I haven’t bought one, and I wish I would have last year.

Eat better: [I write this as I eat Candy Cane Hershey Kisses….] It seems that while in school, I either don’t eat or eat super unhealthily. No I am not overweight or anything but I think a good healthy diet is in order.

That wraps up my resolutions, what are some of yours?

Favorites

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I decided that I am going to do a post on favorites for 2010. Mostly with the help of FaceBooker’s for giving me the idea. Hmmm what favorites to start with. Books, (might as well, they overtake my blog anyways.) These are my favorites that I have read this year, and have not necessarily were published this year.

  1. My favorite book of this year is [obviously] Nightshade by Andrea Cremer.
  2. Paranormalcy by Kiersten White.
  3. Unwind by Neil Shusterman.
  4. The Hunger Games Series by Suzanne Collins. (Is it cheating to put three books under one number? Oh well.)
  5. Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan
  6. The Host by Stephenie Meyer
  7. Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson
  8. Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick

Meh. Eight seems good enough, or technically ten because of the series up there. Next are my favorite movies I’ve seen this year. These are not in any specific order.

  1. Due Date
  2. My Sister’s Keeper (Which is completely different from the book and I recommend the book more than the movie, ending is much different)
  3. I Love You Man
  4. V for Vendetta (Seriously, this movie is filled with awesomesauce. Watch it.)
  5. Saw 3D (Actually I found this movie really funny)
  6. Megamind
  7. Alice in Wonderland [Johnny Depp]
  8. Legion
  9. Step Brothers
  10. Toy Story 3 (don’t judge me, its cute!)

This next list is a list of my favorite men without pants. Er, shirts, I meant shirts.

  1. Paul Bettany
  2. Mario Lopez
  3. David Beckham
  4. Taylor Lautner
  5. Chris Evans
  6. Channing Tatum
  7. Kellan Lutz
  8. Ryan Reynolds
  9. Mark Wahlberg